Hot Dogs, Gas Stations, and Gay Prostitutes.

I'm not really sure how I should start this post off, so I'll start with a little honesty.
The last two weeks of my life have been dark.
I've lived selfishly, driven by my wants, fleshly desires, and stubbornness.
I resented my God who's grace is beyond me, and lived under the authority of myself.

A little over a month ago, I experienced a rebirth of some sorts. At least a fresh perspective on life.
It had been a few weeks, so I was due for a valley experience. I'd lived on the mountain for much too long now.
My valley experience came from laziness and lack of discipline. With a few scattered problems among people, as well as a lot of confusion, I began to drift back into the regular swing of things.
Camp started, life began to move again, and all of a sudden, time became valuable once more!
I began to slack my daily time with the Lord to a point of almost abandonment.
Anyways, enough bad. My story has a good ending.
Like all good V7 chords that must resolve.
(Yes. I will be more frequently displaying the music appreciation I acquired at JBU, or in other words: Music Puns. Lots of them.)
The past few days have been a time to evaluate where I was at the beginning of the summer, and where I am now.
Instinctively, I thought to myself "Well obviously I'm not where I was then." But I reconsidered after a little thought.
I'll come back to that. Now on to the story:

Today, I went with my friend Craig to a beat up Sinclair gas station near Eastwood.
We had a big sign that said "FREE HOTDOGS" along with a grill, some plates and condiments, and a cooler full of water.
I had never done this sort of thing before, so I was excited, to say the least.
"Finally! A chance to serve the homeless of Tulsa, and the impoverished community that Eastwood is around!"
In short, what I thought was going to be a life changing experience, ended up being a ghetto BBQ.
I was discouraged for a small amount of time, because I didn't feel "on fire" to be there.
I'll save you time, and a lot of words and cut to the point of this story quickly:
The Lord is teaching me, again (surprise, surprise!), to be faithful in the little things.
After a few weeks of darkness, and me only being back on track for a few days now, a faith explosion just isn't going to happen. I need patience, endurance, and faithfulness to be able to really let Christ work through me.
Seeing Craig witness to these broken men and women simply with a smile, and a free hotdog made me reevaluate, again.
His simple answers and plain obedience was inspiring. His answer to "Why?" was, "We just want to bless people! There is hunger on these streets, and people need food!"
I chatted with him about my frustrations, and he encouraged me with some great stuff.
In summary, here is what the Lord taught me today:
1. The Lord will not send you with fire unless you are ready to go. Be faithful with the small things, so He can trust you with the big ones!
2. Being faithful takes time. You won't get this down in a week or two, kids.
3. There is nothing good in me. God's grace fuels me to move, and His spirit speaks through me. I am nothing, but God is great.

I've been reading some scripture lately about this, and the Lord has put this on my heart a lot.
"If we are going to live as disciples of Jesus, we have to remember that all efforts of worth and excellence are difficult."
Thanks Oswald Chambers.
This is what the Lord is teaching me now. Following Jesus is difficult. It's called the narrow path for a reason.
But there is something beautiful in things that are out of our hands, because we rely on the One who can give us strength.

Back to what I was talking about before, I reconsidered where I had been, and where I am now, and I was very glad.
Like I said, I instinctively thought I had dropped from the mountain to the valley, when I realized I was just on a road.
I saw those two weeks as fire. When we go through the fire, everything comes out. We see what we're made of. All of us.
It's a time to see whats really inside of us, and if its not good, to fix it. I saw that the Lord had put me in that place for a reason. He wanted me to see that I was failing, but it was all part of His glorification. If we fail at something, it is because we have not yet put into practice what God has placed within us. See your hardships as an opportunity to grow! Be truly thankful for them!
We, as followers of Jesus are not called to fainting or defeat when we are in that valley. We are called to nothing less than overcoming. Don't make the mistake I did and focus on your defeat, and sit in the valley pouting. Rather, see the fire as a purging, healthy, beautiful flame, that will refine us, and make us into a tool that the Lord will use for His glory!
Don't mistake the valley for "bad things", but see it as what it truly is: a BLESSING from the Lord. He is trusting you with the hard things now, so He can make you into someone who can handle the miraculous. Be strong in heart.

Today, I knew ministry was done when we talked to Jonathan ( I think that was his name).
Jonathan was a gay prostitute, with a black woman who also worked with him.
They stayed around the gas station most of the day, and when we packed up and left, I said,
"Would you like a water, sir?"
"Hahh. Don't call me sir, it's bad for my business."
"Oh, I understand. We'll Jesus loves you and we do too!"
"Yeah. Thank you for not judging me."

THAT is what encouraged me the most today.
A thank you from a homosexual prostitute.

We are all struggling, striving followers. We will be for all of our lives. Do not give up hope.
Take heart, and realize you are surrounded with those who ache and are confused just like you.
We all fall short, and we all fail. It is only by the grace of God we are raised up to try again.

Fresh Perspectives

WELL.
It's time for a new update.
A very good one, to boot.

I am back home from the land of Siloam Springs, as now a sophmore of JBU.
Now on to the important stuff.
I'm just gonna hop right into this one.

Latley, and by latley, i mean over the past month, week, semester, whatever. I don't even know what I mean.

Ahem.

Latley, I have struggled. Over the past semester, relationships have been neglected, battles have been fought on my own, and ultimately a lot of baggage was consumed.
Latley, I have begun to see. Over the past month, I have begun to address these problems, and begin with means to fix them, permanently.
Latley, I have improved. Over the past week, I have begun to get my head on straight. The Lord began something in me.
Latley, I have been great. After lots of doubt, questions, disappointment, foolishness, and self-pity, I began to wise up, and see what my problem was.
I had ignored the one source of Wisdom, that has all the answers. I had fought the battle by myself, with no help from anyone else.
So. Long story short. The Lord's mercy is unfathomable.
In the past few days, all of my broken relationships have begun on a path of restoration and renewal.
I had lived in such a heavy darkness for so long crying out for the wrong things. I wanted help and deliverance from my sorrow, not from my situation.
In the past month, the way I lived my life, I doubted a lot.

Side story. A good one:

I recently went to a funeral of a man who died.
I did not know him, but many of my family and friends did.
My father was the one who did the funeral.
Every word spoken at that funeral was of a man of faith. One who lived his life in sheer humility. Only the greatest things were spoken of that man. It made me wonder.
"What would be said at my funeral?"
No, before you click out of this window, I am not going to go on the senior high graduation "Leave a Legacy" speech, I am traversing a different route.
What I realized as I listened to the testimonies and stories of love about this man, was that nothing about his life described me.
All of the great things said about him, I found did not apply to my lifestyle. I immediately felt my heart sink, and realized how far i have gone.

And here's where the "Brutal Honesty" factor comes in:
These words are hard for me to even type, because they are treated as such "Taboo"

I doubted if I truly belonged in the family of God.
I questioned if I was honestly a child of the Lord.
The way I live my life certainly doesn't seem like it.

So after some deep thought, and prayer, I plunged into the Scriptures, scared for my life.
I realized now that this was a turning point. This was the time that I needed to wake up.
I've lived a "good" life simply because it was good. I have been lacking the desire to do things for the Lord, simply because I love Him and want to know Him more. I did things because they were "right". And that was "Integrity".
Too many words.
Anyways.
So, immediately the Lord showed me in 1 Corinthians that I belong to Him.
But the danger lies when I act like I don't.
Being out of the word for so long made me act like a sinner, when I have been called to a life of redemption and holiness.

My last post was about surrender, and I think I've found it.
Too long have the chains of worldliness bound me down, and its time to realize that there is a war going on.
It's about time to grow up, and live my life in the resurrection of Christ.
It is time for me to BE Christ in my actions.

THIS.
Is the beginning.
Of a glorious adventure.

Surrender.

"There is nothing easier than getting into the right relationship with God, unless it is not God you seek, but only what He can give you! If you have only come as far as asking God for things, you have never come to the point of understanding the least bit of what surrender really means!"- Oswald Chambers.

Surrender.
This is what the Lord has convicted me about at 3:05 am on a tuesday night.
I've been shown that my life has been based on myself. My Christianity is based off of my terms.
The Lord told me and showed me that there is something in the way of my full surrender.
I don't know if I can nail that down to a pinpoint, but I do know I am not fully surrendered.
I feel that saying that I full surrender is foolish, though.
I obviously can't just say "Okay. Surrendered." and move on with life!
I don't want to make this decision based off emotion and life my life how I want by Friday.
I am scared to, even. I know that most of this is the enemy speaking, and I see that.
I would deeply appreciate your prayers as I begin to see what true surrender looks like.
The Lord is showing me something big, and I don't want to miss out on it this time.

I am sick of living my life trying to get from God.
I have not truly learned what it means to KNOW God.
I know about God, but I do not KNOW Him.
One thing I do know though, is that He is a good God.
He delivers the poor and the afflicted from those who are too strong for us.
I know that He is Sovereign, and that He will deliver me if I run to Him.
Again, please pray for me. As a brother in Christ, do not let me fall.
Keep me in check. Those of you who stumble across this, do not let it be discarded.
If you're reading this, message me, call me, text me, email me, anything.
Remind me of my surrender. I do not want a decision made in vain.


On a less important note,
Finals are almost here and over.
Equals summer.
:)

So again, please pray for me. I need it more than ever.
I have no words beyond this point.

Day 8

I am currently sitting in a small coffee shop on a mild saturday morning in Wichita, Kansas; on the upper level of a miniature Brighton store with 16 fellow choir members. Sorry Mom, I didn't buy you anything.

Choir Tour is winding down to an end, which means that more Theory and LAFM peril is waiting around the corner. I'm trying my best to enjoy the last bit of freedom I have left.
I have learned a lot over tour this year.
Lots of new, stronger friendships.

This week has been a particularly difficult week for me. Struggling with schoolwork, friendships, and my anxiety for the future has caused me to be in quite the crappy mood. The Lord has shown me that He has to teach me. I am a failure, and I will continue to be until He fixes me. In response to this, my calling is to find rest in Him.
I have failed.

The next few weeks should be interesting ones to say the least, as I continue to learn how to truly rest and trust in Christ.
I don't profess to have answers or victory stories, because they have not come yet.
I am still learning. Still failing. Still being shown grace.

I have a renewed hope that was delivered to me in the form of a Host Family.
Ron and Amy Miller are two people I will never forget.
As my roommate David and I left from his house, and a close friends home, we had expected that nothing could be better than what we had already experienced.
I was wrong.

This elderly couple in their 70's were the most hospitable, loving family I've seen in a long time.
They had an unbridled passion for sharing their faith. As we spoke of our lives, we were encouraged through them in the Word.
They had spoken of how vital and important it was to share our faith. They equipped us quite well, giving us a walmart sack full of books, tracks, and opportunities.

I was blown away.
The level of encouragement I received that night changed my mindset on a lot of things.
God is good!

Today is a free day, and it is beautiful outside.
Peace out girl scouts.

Brutal Honesty.

I've decided to change the name of this blog from "A Buh-lawg" to "Brutal Honesty".
This used to be a joke, but then people started reading it.
So, it's now named as to what I'd like to incorporate: Brutal Honesty.

Disclaimer:
What you may read on this website, may not be how I logically think and feel about a situation.
Many times, it will be; but other times, this will be my main source of frustration release.

Example:
I hate people.

Full explanation of situation:
People who are sarcastic have tendency to offend me.


Anyways,

Day Three of Choir Tour is almost over.
It's been a good day so far!
P.F. Changs in the morning,
Hanging out in the Plaza all day, and Cheesecake Factory at night.
I. Am. Fat.

It's 8:47, and this blog post is overrr.

Bursts of Inspiration

Finally.
It has begun.

I finally started writing.
I want to be original with my music, and I can't keep playing covers all my life. Haha.

I feel free. For the first time in a while, I can breathe slow again.
I'm going to start writing about myself.
My failures, my struggles, my success.

I want my music to mean something. To do something.
Not just to repeat in your head, or to get attention.
I want to share stories with my music.
I want to affect people.
I want to make a difference.

I see this carries over into my daily life.
I want to make a difference in peoples life, not just be the "funny guy".
Or the "guy who can kinda sing well".

I want to leave an impact.
At this point, i would tap into my singing, as well as my humor, and belt my falsetto rendition of "I want to leave a Legacy"
That is played at half the graduations and weddings around the world.
But for now, I refrain.
Well, at least for all you know.

I could be singing it right now!

Jealousy

Selfish Confession:
The truth is I am still very bitter.
I am still very hurt.
I now feel useless.
Am i not good enough?
Not talented enough for such a stupid little THING?
I helped you. I helped you create.
So you think it's okay to remove me once I've served that purpose?
To still use the resources that I have? But keep me far from it.
You claim to be "friend". But your actions speak otherwise.

Forget the paragraph above. Needed to be said.

Here's how today went. We'll start from 12:00 midnight.
12:00- Still working on theory.
4:30- Done.

I slept through my class.
That's just great.
Two of them to be exact.
I set 6 alarms.
SIX.
Seriously? Why does life hate me.

Woke up to go to choir. Hardly a voice, covered in sickness and drainage.
So of course, get yelled at by Mr. Smith. I'm still not good enough.

LAFM rolls around.
Jessa, I can't thank you enough.
Followed by conversation with Dr. Wubbena about my failure.

Dinner. I successfully pissed 3 people off.
They let me know how they felt.

I've had about every inch I can take, to be frank.
It's making me sick. I'm not excited about spring break anymore.
I don't want to be around the people who call themselves "friends".

Small vent:
Proverbs 17:17- A friend loveth AT ALL TIMES...

Definition of friendship: People who encourage you. Who give you rest and comfort. Someone who cares for you, and loves you at all times.

Current Outlook: People who I am surrounded by, who constantly tear me down, make me feel useless, worthless, and more of a failure than i could imagine.

Door 1: Full Ride to JBU.
Door 2: Find 500 dollars.
Door 3: One word of encouragement.

I'd take Door 3 in a heartbeat.

Lord, I am frustrated, confused, upset, broken, hurt, and pitiful.
Help me.