Brothers on a hotel bed.

I am currently typing this post from the Best Western in Arkadelphia, Arkansas.
First day of NATS is over.
I made it to the semi-finals! We'll see tomorrow how i do.

This past week has been a very unique week.
With the death of a friend, the joy of traveling with friends, and the business of schoolwork and extra curricular activities, i really haven't had time to sit down and process life. I've lived this week for myself, and on my own terms; a mistake that i realized yesterday. I have been focused on making it through the week alive, instead of rejoicing in my trials, and seeing the Lord's majesty through it.
I don't think I've ever been so disappointed that I've forgotten my Bible at JBU. Thank goodness for the Gideons.

On my left, i hear the strange sounds of an online flash game that Brandon Bolin is playing, as the air conditioner makes furious noises to my right. I am reminded of the Deathcab song "Brothers on a Hotel Bed" for some reason. Life is good right now. It may not seem perfect, but it certainly isn't bad. There are so many thing to be grateful for, and to look forward to. I am remembering this weekend how much I must rely on my God. And how much, even in my failures, he blesses me regardless. I am surrounded by 9 people this weekend whom i truly love. They are great people. They are music nerds. Just like me. :)

Referencing an earlier statement, i have seen how fragile life is this week.
For those of you who knew Robert Bell, I am sure that you know exactly what I am talking about.
He was a great guy. My very first co-counselor. Through all of my nervous prayers and necessities to fit in and be a good counselor, the Lord blessed me with Rob. We, and our tribe of Apache's ventured forth unto the fields of Camp Loughridge.
He was such a great guy. I miss him. His testimonies given were so inspiring. The Lord kept him alive through two separate battles with cancer. At the young age of 20, the Lord took him home peacefully in his sleep.

What am i living for?

Solitude and Silence.

It is 1:38 am.
I began thinking at 1:13.

Tonight, my thoughts changed.
For close to two months now, I've had one ideal. One goal. One thought.
It became my passion. My driving motivation. My "Obsession" if you will.
Two week passed, and I saw the foolishness in my focus.
Ironically, now everything I have hoped for and dreamed of in the past two years has now come to an abrupt halt.
Questions have risen. Motives have been questioned. Focus has been realigned; as well as re-distracted.
I put all my hope in one person. I drew all my strength from them, the person who got me through my day.
I am selfish. I am wrong. I am a sinner. I am a failure. I am misguided. I am distracted. I am fallen.
This is what I am faced with, but if that was not convicting enough, i then realized:
I am forgiven.
I am redeemed.
I am blessed.
I am secure.
I am going to be okay.

Who am i?
How DARE i even begin to think I have the right to think and feel the way I do.
I should be dead. Burning in the depths of hell, and separated from God.
But i am not. I am safe in His arms. I am secure in the palm of His hand.

Who am i?
I am not my own.
I am Christ's.
Why do i live to myself?
Why do my loyalties lie to the eyes of men?
Why do I think i deserve anything that I desire?

I don't.

This past week in Passion group, we've started a book called "The Spirit of the Disciplines" by Dallas Willard. Last week and this week's disciplines were Solitude and Silence. I have tried to practice it, and each time has been convicting and eye opening.
I stared at a wall in my common room for 10 minutes, in utter disgust with myself.
It was then, when I took my slightly damp laundry out of the old drier that I saw it.
When i folded my shirts, in the silence of the basement, I recognized it.

My eyes are not set on the Lord.

Throughout the day, I try to remain in His presence. To dwell and rest in Christ. It is so easy to fail. It is too simple to be down on yourself. To hate the way you look. To hate the way you act. To hate the way you speak, the way you conduct life. To hate how you behave in front of others. To hate yourself.
So why?
Why do i continue? It's too easy, and it distracts me. Why do I do it?
Does it mean i should change? Do i need to find myself?
I could easily answer with what I've been taught my whole life "No. You find Christ, and then you find yourself."
So if i know, why do i continue in my failure?
I don't.
I don't feel like I do either.
Of course i stumble. We all do.
Why do i feel so heartbroken?
So terribly alone, and left to myself?
I feel as though my friends are gone.
They aren't. They are there. Why can't i see it?

Many questions. I know every answer.
Each question has a painful, uncomfortable, unpleasant answer.
Why am i pretending like i do not know?
Why can't i move on with life?

Why is this one small situation blocking me from experiencing life?

Friends.

This past week has been very awkward.
I would venture to say terrible, even.
I don't enjoy what is happening,
But i am thankful for the friends who support me during my failures.
These people don't judge me for what I do, but who I am in Christ.
I am beyond grateful. I honestly don't know how mentally sane i would be without you peoples.
So, Sadie Utter, Liz Phillips, Zack and Ethan Jones, Daniel Faulkner, Drew Duffy, and Lauren Kirkpatrick, this post is for you.
You seven have kept me hanging on. Thank you for your encouragement. So much. Even when it's not intentional. Thank you.

Optimism.

This has been a good weekend.

Union High Schools Rep Theatre has once again thoroughly impressed me.
The sole reason I wished I was at Union.
Oh wait. No it's not.
I love Mingo plays. (In case the Maddog is reading this...)
But really. Way more fun at Mingo.

Valentines day will be nice.
That's all i have to say on that subject.

I'm still on the fence about my internship this summer.
Thursday they called me and offered me the job.
Its such a good opportunity...
I have to let them know by Monday.
I think I'm going to do it!! Ahh!
Still need to pray some more about it...

Well...
Really the only person who would comment on my blog anymore is Liz..
So thanks Liz Phillips! You're a great person. :)

Note: You are not obligated to comment now that I've used your name, Liz.
:)