Brothers on a hotel bed.

I am currently typing this post from the Best Western in Arkadelphia, Arkansas.
First day of NATS is over.
I made it to the semi-finals! We'll see tomorrow how i do.

This past week has been a very unique week.
With the death of a friend, the joy of traveling with friends, and the business of schoolwork and extra curricular activities, i really haven't had time to sit down and process life. I've lived this week for myself, and on my own terms; a mistake that i realized yesterday. I have been focused on making it through the week alive, instead of rejoicing in my trials, and seeing the Lord's majesty through it.
I don't think I've ever been so disappointed that I've forgotten my Bible at JBU. Thank goodness for the Gideons.

On my left, i hear the strange sounds of an online flash game that Brandon Bolin is playing, as the air conditioner makes furious noises to my right. I am reminded of the Deathcab song "Brothers on a Hotel Bed" for some reason. Life is good right now. It may not seem perfect, but it certainly isn't bad. There are so many thing to be grateful for, and to look forward to. I am remembering this weekend how much I must rely on my God. And how much, even in my failures, he blesses me regardless. I am surrounded by 9 people this weekend whom i truly love. They are great people. They are music nerds. Just like me. :)

Referencing an earlier statement, i have seen how fragile life is this week.
For those of you who knew Robert Bell, I am sure that you know exactly what I am talking about.
He was a great guy. My very first co-counselor. Through all of my nervous prayers and necessities to fit in and be a good counselor, the Lord blessed me with Rob. We, and our tribe of Apache's ventured forth unto the fields of Camp Loughridge.
He was such a great guy. I miss him. His testimonies given were so inspiring. The Lord kept him alive through two separate battles with cancer. At the young age of 20, the Lord took him home peacefully in his sleep.

What am i living for?

Solitude and Silence.

It is 1:38 am.
I began thinking at 1:13.

Tonight, my thoughts changed.
For close to two months now, I've had one ideal. One goal. One thought.
It became my passion. My driving motivation. My "Obsession" if you will.
Two week passed, and I saw the foolishness in my focus.
Ironically, now everything I have hoped for and dreamed of in the past two years has now come to an abrupt halt.
Questions have risen. Motives have been questioned. Focus has been realigned; as well as re-distracted.
I put all my hope in one person. I drew all my strength from them, the person who got me through my day.
I am selfish. I am wrong. I am a sinner. I am a failure. I am misguided. I am distracted. I am fallen.
This is what I am faced with, but if that was not convicting enough, i then realized:
I am forgiven.
I am redeemed.
I am blessed.
I am secure.
I am going to be okay.

Who am i?
How DARE i even begin to think I have the right to think and feel the way I do.
I should be dead. Burning in the depths of hell, and separated from God.
But i am not. I am safe in His arms. I am secure in the palm of His hand.

Who am i?
I am not my own.
I am Christ's.
Why do i live to myself?
Why do my loyalties lie to the eyes of men?
Why do I think i deserve anything that I desire?

I don't.

This past week in Passion group, we've started a book called "The Spirit of the Disciplines" by Dallas Willard. Last week and this week's disciplines were Solitude and Silence. I have tried to practice it, and each time has been convicting and eye opening.
I stared at a wall in my common room for 10 minutes, in utter disgust with myself.
It was then, when I took my slightly damp laundry out of the old drier that I saw it.
When i folded my shirts, in the silence of the basement, I recognized it.

My eyes are not set on the Lord.

Throughout the day, I try to remain in His presence. To dwell and rest in Christ. It is so easy to fail. It is too simple to be down on yourself. To hate the way you look. To hate the way you act. To hate the way you speak, the way you conduct life. To hate how you behave in front of others. To hate yourself.
So why?
Why do i continue? It's too easy, and it distracts me. Why do I do it?
Does it mean i should change? Do i need to find myself?
I could easily answer with what I've been taught my whole life "No. You find Christ, and then you find yourself."
So if i know, why do i continue in my failure?
I don't.
I don't feel like I do either.
Of course i stumble. We all do.
Why do i feel so heartbroken?
So terribly alone, and left to myself?
I feel as though my friends are gone.
They aren't. They are there. Why can't i see it?

Many questions. I know every answer.
Each question has a painful, uncomfortable, unpleasant answer.
Why am i pretending like i do not know?
Why can't i move on with life?

Why is this one small situation blocking me from experiencing life?

Friends.

This past week has been very awkward.
I would venture to say terrible, even.
I don't enjoy what is happening,
But i am thankful for the friends who support me during my failures.
These people don't judge me for what I do, but who I am in Christ.
I am beyond grateful. I honestly don't know how mentally sane i would be without you peoples.
So, Sadie Utter, Liz Phillips, Zack and Ethan Jones, Daniel Faulkner, Drew Duffy, and Lauren Kirkpatrick, this post is for you.
You seven have kept me hanging on. Thank you for your encouragement. So much. Even when it's not intentional. Thank you.

Optimism.

This has been a good weekend.

Union High Schools Rep Theatre has once again thoroughly impressed me.
The sole reason I wished I was at Union.
Oh wait. No it's not.
I love Mingo plays. (In case the Maddog is reading this...)
But really. Way more fun at Mingo.

Valentines day will be nice.
That's all i have to say on that subject.

I'm still on the fence about my internship this summer.
Thursday they called me and offered me the job.
Its such a good opportunity...
I have to let them know by Monday.
I think I'm going to do it!! Ahh!
Still need to pray some more about it...

Well...
Really the only person who would comment on my blog anymore is Liz..
So thanks Liz Phillips! You're a great person. :)

Note: You are not obligated to comment now that I've used your name, Liz.
:)

Scrambled Thoughts.

At this point, im blogging for my own personal relief, because it seems that no one reads blogs anymore. But here it goes.

So far, this week has been interesting.
Last saturday put a lot of things in perspective for me. Priorities were reevaluated, thoughts and feelings were expressed in new ways, and ultimately a new perspective on things arose. I spent the week here at school in a mellow mood, so to speak. Not so much to prove anything, but rather i found myself just living for the next thing. I am now realizing how my life has strayed from purpose. There is a long term goal, but the daily routine is just that- a mindless routine. I would label this past week with a familiar Christianese phrase by saying "I'm struggling". I find myself anxious, lonely, ignored, rejected, discouraged, stressed, and ultimately a failure, educationally and spiritually. Finding rest in Christ has become a challenge. I am so overloaded by schoolwork, trying to maintain friendships, as well as taking care of other personal matters, that i have forgotten to live my life in the joy of Christ. I find it easy to mope, as i trudge from one class to the next in the bitter cold and snow; trying to live from point A to point B and continue until i am okay. I need joy.
This week has shown me the beginning of a long road of challenges for this next semester. It will most likely be the hardest thing i have ever faced in my life.

I am not finishing this blog post with a 180 turn around story about how the Lord blew my mind and showed me something to sustain me emotionally and spiritually, as well as physically, with the little sleep i get now a days thanks to Theory...
I'm not finishing the post like this, because it just hasn't happened yet. I have faith the Lord will provide, but He hasn't yet; for whatever reason in His Sovereignty, I feel i will be challenged with people and classes over the next 4 or 5 months.
So that's what is happening, for anyone who stumbles across this. Life is hard, and the Lord is good. Although I struggle now, i recognize the Lord is Holy, and ultimately in control, even when I forget so often.

That's really all i got. I recommend blogging when you're distressed. Writing will show you how you feel, as well as show you the problems you may not be able to see at the moment. It's helped me so far...

A good reminder

There are so many things to be grateful for!
Why does our selfishness as humans stand in the way?
We are fallen, broken, sinful, but redeemed through Christ.
Let us remember our Lord! Don't go throughout your day without consciously recognizing the work of the Lord in your life!
This morning in chapel, Rod Reed spoke on the danger of Hurrying.
Many times we rush through our lives, and don't take time to relax, much less rest.
But that's not what the Lord has called us to do! He tells us to rest in Him!
So this week, if you are reading this, take a minute of your schedule to stop, realize the Sovereignty of our Lord, and rest in His grace.

Now then...
The Post.

This weekend has been a great one. Went to New Life Ranch for the Choir Retreat! It was great fun, and we got a lot of great music accomplished. I entered the weekend knowing that we were going to have fun, and work hard. My thoughts were scattered, and many things in my life were confusing me at that moment. The saturday night we had a worship time around a campfire. We played games, made shmores, followed by a time of worship led by two of the men in the choir. Many were experiencing worship and enjoying the presence of the Lord, but a few were not engaged. One, being me.
I didn't know why exactly i felt so distant from the Worship, but after an hour or so of questioning, confusion, and dialogue with friends, i realized what was happening:
Never in my life have i struggled. Truly STRUGGLED, to where i needed the Lord to be my sustainer. I have always been under the umbrella of my parents faith. I realized that the Lord had begun to test me. Something seemed wrong with me, and although constant prayer to fix what was wrong, the Lord did not move. I realized after a short amount of time, that the test itself was to wait on the Lord. The story of Job came to my mind, how the Lord tested Him, and Job turned to worship. Although I felt lost and confused, i had to learn to worship and trust the Lord, even when I don't understand what is going on. The Lord showed me blind faith.
I am excited to see what the Lord has for me in the following semester. It will no doubt be the hardest I have ever been academically challenged in my life; but so far so good!

Now for less important stuff:

PUP N' SUDS FIRST GAME TONIGHT.
Intramural basketball for the win.
I made an agreement to our team if we win the B League Championships, I will cornrow my hair (A scary possibility...)

On another note of my physical death,
I am now a part of the JBU Ultimate team.
We play people like Arkansas, OU, OSU, KU, etc.
Hmm...
Time to run my butt off!

As i conclude this post, i hope someone reads this...
I'd like to quote a dear friend of mine, who frequently ends conversation with the phrase:
"Rest in Christ"
A great reminder in the busy lives we live.
So, as my friend said,
Rest in Christ!

Present your request with thanksgiving and the peace that passes all understanding will guard your heart in CHRIST JESUS!
Amen!

Re-Evaluation

Oh wow.
DISCLAIMER:
For those of you who are not patient, or cannot put up with ramblings, please exit now.
This post is going to be for my own sanity.
Over the past few weeks, I've experienced a lot to drag me down, and other things to make me think. To make me question.
Re evaluate, even.

So here I am. I will now attempt to outline everything swirling around in my head (its a lot) and try to drag a point out of it by the end. Things i've experienced in the past few weeks will be explained in three main sections:
1. Greek Orthodox Church
2. Belief
3. Hearing the Voice of God

Let's begin.
Again, many things i will type are questions i have asked, or am still asking.
DIALOGUE!
It'll help us all.

Uno.
This weekend i went to my cousins wedding! Hooray! They recently converted to the Greek Orthodox church. This was a VERY unique ceremony. It was amazing to see firsthand this religion that i knew little to nothing about. In a nutshell, Greek Orthodox is a very ritualistic, symbolic, almost catholic faith; with a focus primarily on Jesus Christ, as our Savior, and the Holy Trinity. There are a few things a little off, like "Our glorious Lady" (Mary having divinity.) Overall, i found most everything said in the Liturgy pretty right on. Theologically, its pretty much solid to what we as protestants would believe.

Here's how the ceremony worked!
LOTS of chanting (Over an hours worth. While standing. FML.) in almost a half-sing.
LOTS of icons. ( Paintings and pictures of the saints and Christ, etc.)
LOTS of tradition. (Half the marriage was at the back, the middle, then the final part was in the front.)
LOTS of symbolism. (Everything was done three times representing the Trinity.)
Weird stuff like crowns and incense and chants were done. Very cool, actually.
I got to speak with some of the men from the Greek Orthodox church, and learned a thing or two.

Here is my final assumption, and the point:
I noticed that in my learning of the Orthodox church, it is VERY theological. All knowledge. All Liturgy, Creeds, Symbols and Icons. Sadly, i saw nothing about relationship, or reaching out to the lost. It was almost a church for elite christians. People who already have it together and are looking to know everything.
In this i saw danger. There is so much faith, but the fruit is lacking.
James 2:20 says that faith without works is DEAD!
Without works, your faith is useless, void, inactive, ineffective, and worthless.
This isn't saying that works is what matters, because faith is just as important, but Scripture has shown us that our faith should bear fruit! Brining about good works! In the words of my wise college minister, Jeff Easley, "If you remember, The bible talks about what Christians DID, not what they believed in" Although we do know what they believed in, Scripture points to the fruit of their labor. And Jeff, if i misquoted you and made you sound like a heretic, i am sorry.

I will come back to that. On to point number 2.
Belief.
What if everything you knew was a lie? Everything you believed in, you held to, you stood for, it was all gone. Proven wrong! You were enlightened to truth. If you take time to really honestly think about that, it is a scary thought. I have been thinking about this idea for a while now, and came to a conclusion. Sometimes, (although belief is important) it is better for us as Christians to not worry about what we say we believe, but do what we believe. We should be acting, not just saying. I can already feel my words being shot 100 different directions, but im going to try to keep this focused...
Basically, I've realized that my beliefs have overshadowed my actions. My words are stronger than my hands.

Coming back to that too. Finally, point 3.
This is the scary future part.
This past week, the subject of "Hearing the Voice of God" has been brought up quite a few times. I have listened to my college friends dialogue about the importance, and credibility of hearing the voice of God. How can you honestly, truly know what the Lord's voice sounds like? What can you do to KNOW? So that when the Lord does speak, you hear Him, respond, and glorify Him as He grows you and speaks to you continuously. This has brought up hundreds of questions for me. And caused me to re examine myself. This morning at church, we went to First Baptist Ft. Smith. As excited as i was to be there, i quickly began to judge and think "Churches like these have 'church goers'. People who DO church, because its tradition." The Lord punched me in the face with those words, and showed my selfishness and stupidity. Right as i felt like a complete idiot, the title of the sermon appears on the screen. "Hearing the Voice of God Pt. 1"
Okay. What are you up to Lord?
And this is still the question I am asking!
Something is waiting around the corner. I'm anxious, scared, and excited. The Lord is about to do something big. Pray for me that I wont miss it.

So. Putting it all together.
As i said in all points, this past week has made me realize one thing:
I cannot back up my talk.
I have re evaluated what it is to live in Christ this week.
He has shown me the transition from Theology to Fruitfulness.
The danger of big headed-ness is an easy one to succumb to.
The Lord is doing some new things in my life. This semester is going to be very different. Very busy, and very strict with time. Discipline is what i need this semester. Please pray for me.
Along with schoolwork, the Lord is starting to show me many new things, like this, and others. I'm embarking on a journey of re-discovery. It is going to be an exciting one too.

Thanks for reading this if you had an hour to make it through all of my ramblings.
Leave a comment! Dialogue! Leave a question that you have from this, or that the Lord gave you! I'd love to hear. Really i would! This is the time to ask, to question, and to trust what the Lord is doing in your life. I'm starting. You should to. So again, i close with comment! Please share with me if the Lord has given you something, or even if something came to mind!
Sharing is caring.
:D