Solitude and Silence.

It is 1:38 am.
I began thinking at 1:13.

Tonight, my thoughts changed.
For close to two months now, I've had one ideal. One goal. One thought.
It became my passion. My driving motivation. My "Obsession" if you will.
Two week passed, and I saw the foolishness in my focus.
Ironically, now everything I have hoped for and dreamed of in the past two years has now come to an abrupt halt.
Questions have risen. Motives have been questioned. Focus has been realigned; as well as re-distracted.
I put all my hope in one person. I drew all my strength from them, the person who got me through my day.
I am selfish. I am wrong. I am a sinner. I am a failure. I am misguided. I am distracted. I am fallen.
This is what I am faced with, but if that was not convicting enough, i then realized:
I am forgiven.
I am redeemed.
I am blessed.
I am secure.
I am going to be okay.

Who am i?
How DARE i even begin to think I have the right to think and feel the way I do.
I should be dead. Burning in the depths of hell, and separated from God.
But i am not. I am safe in His arms. I am secure in the palm of His hand.

Who am i?
I am not my own.
I am Christ's.
Why do i live to myself?
Why do my loyalties lie to the eyes of men?
Why do I think i deserve anything that I desire?

I don't.

This past week in Passion group, we've started a book called "The Spirit of the Disciplines" by Dallas Willard. Last week and this week's disciplines were Solitude and Silence. I have tried to practice it, and each time has been convicting and eye opening.
I stared at a wall in my common room for 10 minutes, in utter disgust with myself.
It was then, when I took my slightly damp laundry out of the old drier that I saw it.
When i folded my shirts, in the silence of the basement, I recognized it.

My eyes are not set on the Lord.

Throughout the day, I try to remain in His presence. To dwell and rest in Christ. It is so easy to fail. It is too simple to be down on yourself. To hate the way you look. To hate the way you act. To hate the way you speak, the way you conduct life. To hate how you behave in front of others. To hate yourself.
So why?
Why do i continue? It's too easy, and it distracts me. Why do I do it?
Does it mean i should change? Do i need to find myself?
I could easily answer with what I've been taught my whole life "No. You find Christ, and then you find yourself."
So if i know, why do i continue in my failure?
I don't.
I don't feel like I do either.
Of course i stumble. We all do.
Why do i feel so heartbroken?
So terribly alone, and left to myself?
I feel as though my friends are gone.
They aren't. They are there. Why can't i see it?

Many questions. I know every answer.
Each question has a painful, uncomfortable, unpleasant answer.
Why am i pretending like i do not know?
Why can't i move on with life?

Why is this one small situation blocking me from experiencing life?