Day 8

I am currently sitting in a small coffee shop on a mild saturday morning in Wichita, Kansas; on the upper level of a miniature Brighton store with 16 fellow choir members. Sorry Mom, I didn't buy you anything.

Choir Tour is winding down to an end, which means that more Theory and LAFM peril is waiting around the corner. I'm trying my best to enjoy the last bit of freedom I have left.
I have learned a lot over tour this year.
Lots of new, stronger friendships.

This week has been a particularly difficult week for me. Struggling with schoolwork, friendships, and my anxiety for the future has caused me to be in quite the crappy mood. The Lord has shown me that He has to teach me. I am a failure, and I will continue to be until He fixes me. In response to this, my calling is to find rest in Him.
I have failed.

The next few weeks should be interesting ones to say the least, as I continue to learn how to truly rest and trust in Christ.
I don't profess to have answers or victory stories, because they have not come yet.
I am still learning. Still failing. Still being shown grace.

I have a renewed hope that was delivered to me in the form of a Host Family.
Ron and Amy Miller are two people I will never forget.
As my roommate David and I left from his house, and a close friends home, we had expected that nothing could be better than what we had already experienced.
I was wrong.

This elderly couple in their 70's were the most hospitable, loving family I've seen in a long time.
They had an unbridled passion for sharing their faith. As we spoke of our lives, we were encouraged through them in the Word.
They had spoken of how vital and important it was to share our faith. They equipped us quite well, giving us a walmart sack full of books, tracks, and opportunities.

I was blown away.
The level of encouragement I received that night changed my mindset on a lot of things.
God is good!

Today is a free day, and it is beautiful outside.
Peace out girl scouts.

Brutal Honesty.

I've decided to change the name of this blog from "A Buh-lawg" to "Brutal Honesty".
This used to be a joke, but then people started reading it.
So, it's now named as to what I'd like to incorporate: Brutal Honesty.

Disclaimer:
What you may read on this website, may not be how I logically think and feel about a situation.
Many times, it will be; but other times, this will be my main source of frustration release.

Example:
I hate people.

Full explanation of situation:
People who are sarcastic have tendency to offend me.


Anyways,

Day Three of Choir Tour is almost over.
It's been a good day so far!
P.F. Changs in the morning,
Hanging out in the Plaza all day, and Cheesecake Factory at night.
I. Am. Fat.

It's 8:47, and this blog post is overrr.

Bursts of Inspiration

Finally.
It has begun.

I finally started writing.
I want to be original with my music, and I can't keep playing covers all my life. Haha.

I feel free. For the first time in a while, I can breathe slow again.
I'm going to start writing about myself.
My failures, my struggles, my success.

I want my music to mean something. To do something.
Not just to repeat in your head, or to get attention.
I want to share stories with my music.
I want to affect people.
I want to make a difference.

I see this carries over into my daily life.
I want to make a difference in peoples life, not just be the "funny guy".
Or the "guy who can kinda sing well".

I want to leave an impact.
At this point, i would tap into my singing, as well as my humor, and belt my falsetto rendition of "I want to leave a Legacy"
That is played at half the graduations and weddings around the world.
But for now, I refrain.
Well, at least for all you know.

I could be singing it right now!

Jealousy

Selfish Confession:
The truth is I am still very bitter.
I am still very hurt.
I now feel useless.
Am i not good enough?
Not talented enough for such a stupid little THING?
I helped you. I helped you create.
So you think it's okay to remove me once I've served that purpose?
To still use the resources that I have? But keep me far from it.
You claim to be "friend". But your actions speak otherwise.

Forget the paragraph above. Needed to be said.

Here's how today went. We'll start from 12:00 midnight.
12:00- Still working on theory.
4:30- Done.

I slept through my class.
That's just great.
Two of them to be exact.
I set 6 alarms.
SIX.
Seriously? Why does life hate me.

Woke up to go to choir. Hardly a voice, covered in sickness and drainage.
So of course, get yelled at by Mr. Smith. I'm still not good enough.

LAFM rolls around.
Jessa, I can't thank you enough.
Followed by conversation with Dr. Wubbena about my failure.

Dinner. I successfully pissed 3 people off.
They let me know how they felt.

I've had about every inch I can take, to be frank.
It's making me sick. I'm not excited about spring break anymore.
I don't want to be around the people who call themselves "friends".

Small vent:
Proverbs 17:17- A friend loveth AT ALL TIMES...

Definition of friendship: People who encourage you. Who give you rest and comfort. Someone who cares for you, and loves you at all times.

Current Outlook: People who I am surrounded by, who constantly tear me down, make me feel useless, worthless, and more of a failure than i could imagine.

Door 1: Full Ride to JBU.
Door 2: Find 500 dollars.
Door 3: One word of encouragement.

I'd take Door 3 in a heartbeat.

Lord, I am frustrated, confused, upset, broken, hurt, and pitiful.
Help me.

This title would look like a raised eyebrow

This will be a weird post for me.
As I'm typing it, I treat it as an awkward question that catches you off-guard and makes you feel uncomfortable. I don't know why so much...but I do.

I kind of lost motivation today.
I want to work hard to accomplish things, such as homework, daily tasks that need completion, as well as recreation things that require some structure; but i see myself lost inside of it all.
I'm kind of simply living right now.
Existing is a better word.
I am not living with purpose at the moment.
My instinctive Baptist Buzzer that was placed in my frontal lobe at birth immediately rings by replacing those words with "I'm supposed to be living with purpose."
But i wonder about that as well...
I guess I am just wondering. That's pretty much it.

I find myself throughout the day in a perpetual state of thought.
I break my thought process only to be replaced by the ritualistic mundane patterns and mindless repetitions of school disciplines. Even now, I wonder why I'm typing this. Why on a mac? Why now? Why am i up at 3 when i have to get my dry cleaning at 10 in the morning? Why does the dry cleaners only stay open till 12 on saturdays? Why am i getting less sleep on a friday night then my normal school days? Why am i asking so many dumb questions?

As i ask these questions, I don't necessarily ask for an answer either. I feel purely inquisitively whimsical. I ask because I can! I glory in the fact that there might not be an answer!

I feel this reflects my spiritual life at the moment. Many questions. Not very many answers. And a state of simplicity. The fine line between contentment and apathy is drawn close. I'm not sure yet how exactly i feel.

I feel like a friend disappeared too by the way.
A few of them have latley.
My fault?
Maybe. Dumb music.

Also, I think its so dumb how my emotions work.
The most unrelated, uneventful things can break my line of confused contentment and shoot me right back into apathy and a lack of motivation.

Hi.
My name is Andrew Layden.
I got some problems.
I'm sure you do too, but mine are weird.
That's all.

Help.

Stress can be a good thing, in this case it's not.
Too much stress can lead to illness. Right now, it is displaying itself as a migraine.
To relieve stress, and confront a problem, the next few words will be very frank, open, and will attempt at expressing my problem in the most honest way possible.

Discipline.
This 10 letter word is what may send me back home.
My lack of discipline is what causes me to fail.
Fail, not once, or twice, but constantly.
It's been a problem ever since i can remember.
My foolishness and lack of focus has jeopardized my ability to remain at John Brown University.
If i can't make the grades, i go home. Simple as that.
As of right now, that is a very real possibility.

I miss class, I half heartedly do homework, I play and sleep instead of working...
My priorities are not in line.
These are a few characteristics of what my life has looked like the past few weeks.
When you're failing two Wubbena classes, life seems to wake you up.

I've taken plenty of time over the weekend and during the past days to beat myself up over it. I've done quite a good job too, I must say.

I feel sick.
Sick of myself, sick of the way I act, sick of the way i am.
Sick of Andrew Layden.
Don't waste any time commenting "We love you!" or "You're a great person"
I'm just being frank. I'm not playing the pity card.
I know the way i feel isn't right.
That's why im saying it.
To fix it.

I don't expect to get 500 pats on the back saying its okay.
I don't deserve it. I put myself in this hole, now its time to find my way out.
I don't know if ill be at JBU this time next year. I'd like to hope so, but I just don't know.
I don't feel much of anything right now.
Simple emptiness.

Where have i gone?
What have i become?
Why has my attitude been of reluctance towards the Father?
Why do i hate posting everything i actually feel?
Why do i care that people see exactly what i try to hide?

I don't know.
If by chance you are reading this, please pray.
It is the only thing i can ask for.
I need prayer.
I need joy.
I need friendship.
I need life.
I need peace.
I need my God.

Hidden Beauty

It is 2:02 am. I have a LAFM test in 12 hours.
No, i have not begun studying.
Yes, tomorrow I will be indeed cranky!

I should have been in bed 3 hours ago, but life has its way of making me stay up late.
Oh wait, thats theory.

Well, i shaved my chin.
All that is left are my chops and stache.
Happy Mustache-Mutton Chop March, everyone!
I do feel as though it makes me feel more masculine.
I need all the help i can get in that category.

On to the most important thing:
I saw Hedwig.

As I walked toward the cathedral at 11 in the cold dark night by myself, I heard a screech. At first, I assumed a squealing car heading down 412 to Bell. Most likely Zack Jones.
The sound echoed again, and I realized it was something different. An odd sound indeed. As I began to grumble over what it may be, the most beautiful snowy white owl flies from behind the Cathedral as it soars past the Art building over the Quad.

Wow.
What a sight.

I immediately was struck with a thought. It's so easy to miss what's important in life when we are surrounded by things that distract us. Had i not paused to discover what the awkward screech was, I would have never seen the beauty.
(PS- I have never seen an owl in my life before.)
I realized that I was looking for it. Even though I didn't know what, I knew something was there.
As it soared through the night air, i saw the contrast of its glowing white figure painted against the black canvas of night.
It stuck out. It was like a beacon was lit, and was impossible to miss. Had i taken one step further, I would have missed it.

It's so easy to keep going from one thing to the next, locked on from task to task with tunnel vision; that sometimes we miss the obvious, in its beautiful clarity, to continue on with our day.
Stop.
Step back.
See what the Lord is doing.

Who knows?
Maybe you'll see an owl too.
:)

(I apologize for the way i ended that post. It was a one liner baptist cliche, and i blame my father.)