Fresh Perspectives

WELL.
It's time for a new update.
A very good one, to boot.

I am back home from the land of Siloam Springs, as now a sophmore of JBU.
Now on to the important stuff.
I'm just gonna hop right into this one.

Latley, and by latley, i mean over the past month, week, semester, whatever. I don't even know what I mean.

Ahem.

Latley, I have struggled. Over the past semester, relationships have been neglected, battles have been fought on my own, and ultimately a lot of baggage was consumed.
Latley, I have begun to see. Over the past month, I have begun to address these problems, and begin with means to fix them, permanently.
Latley, I have improved. Over the past week, I have begun to get my head on straight. The Lord began something in me.
Latley, I have been great. After lots of doubt, questions, disappointment, foolishness, and self-pity, I began to wise up, and see what my problem was.
I had ignored the one source of Wisdom, that has all the answers. I had fought the battle by myself, with no help from anyone else.
So. Long story short. The Lord's mercy is unfathomable.
In the past few days, all of my broken relationships have begun on a path of restoration and renewal.
I had lived in such a heavy darkness for so long crying out for the wrong things. I wanted help and deliverance from my sorrow, not from my situation.
In the past month, the way I lived my life, I doubted a lot.

Side story. A good one:

I recently went to a funeral of a man who died.
I did not know him, but many of my family and friends did.
My father was the one who did the funeral.
Every word spoken at that funeral was of a man of faith. One who lived his life in sheer humility. Only the greatest things were spoken of that man. It made me wonder.
"What would be said at my funeral?"
No, before you click out of this window, I am not going to go on the senior high graduation "Leave a Legacy" speech, I am traversing a different route.
What I realized as I listened to the testimonies and stories of love about this man, was that nothing about his life described me.
All of the great things said about him, I found did not apply to my lifestyle. I immediately felt my heart sink, and realized how far i have gone.

And here's where the "Brutal Honesty" factor comes in:
These words are hard for me to even type, because they are treated as such "Taboo"

I doubted if I truly belonged in the family of God.
I questioned if I was honestly a child of the Lord.
The way I live my life certainly doesn't seem like it.

So after some deep thought, and prayer, I plunged into the Scriptures, scared for my life.
I realized now that this was a turning point. This was the time that I needed to wake up.
I've lived a "good" life simply because it was good. I have been lacking the desire to do things for the Lord, simply because I love Him and want to know Him more. I did things because they were "right". And that was "Integrity".
Too many words.
Anyways.
So, immediately the Lord showed me in 1 Corinthians that I belong to Him.
But the danger lies when I act like I don't.
Being out of the word for so long made me act like a sinner, when I have been called to a life of redemption and holiness.

My last post was about surrender, and I think I've found it.
Too long have the chains of worldliness bound me down, and its time to realize that there is a war going on.
It's about time to grow up, and live my life in the resurrection of Christ.
It is time for me to BE Christ in my actions.

THIS.
Is the beginning.
Of a glorious adventure.

Surrender.

"There is nothing easier than getting into the right relationship with God, unless it is not God you seek, but only what He can give you! If you have only come as far as asking God for things, you have never come to the point of understanding the least bit of what surrender really means!"- Oswald Chambers.

Surrender.
This is what the Lord has convicted me about at 3:05 am on a tuesday night.
I've been shown that my life has been based on myself. My Christianity is based off of my terms.
The Lord told me and showed me that there is something in the way of my full surrender.
I don't know if I can nail that down to a pinpoint, but I do know I am not fully surrendered.
I feel that saying that I full surrender is foolish, though.
I obviously can't just say "Okay. Surrendered." and move on with life!
I don't want to make this decision based off emotion and life my life how I want by Friday.
I am scared to, even. I know that most of this is the enemy speaking, and I see that.
I would deeply appreciate your prayers as I begin to see what true surrender looks like.
The Lord is showing me something big, and I don't want to miss out on it this time.

I am sick of living my life trying to get from God.
I have not truly learned what it means to KNOW God.
I know about God, but I do not KNOW Him.
One thing I do know though, is that He is a good God.
He delivers the poor and the afflicted from those who are too strong for us.
I know that He is Sovereign, and that He will deliver me if I run to Him.
Again, please pray for me. As a brother in Christ, do not let me fall.
Keep me in check. Those of you who stumble across this, do not let it be discarded.
If you're reading this, message me, call me, text me, email me, anything.
Remind me of my surrender. I do not want a decision made in vain.


On a less important note,
Finals are almost here and over.
Equals summer.
:)

So again, please pray for me. I need it more than ever.
I have no words beyond this point.

Day 8

I am currently sitting in a small coffee shop on a mild saturday morning in Wichita, Kansas; on the upper level of a miniature Brighton store with 16 fellow choir members. Sorry Mom, I didn't buy you anything.

Choir Tour is winding down to an end, which means that more Theory and LAFM peril is waiting around the corner. I'm trying my best to enjoy the last bit of freedom I have left.
I have learned a lot over tour this year.
Lots of new, stronger friendships.

This week has been a particularly difficult week for me. Struggling with schoolwork, friendships, and my anxiety for the future has caused me to be in quite the crappy mood. The Lord has shown me that He has to teach me. I am a failure, and I will continue to be until He fixes me. In response to this, my calling is to find rest in Him.
I have failed.

The next few weeks should be interesting ones to say the least, as I continue to learn how to truly rest and trust in Christ.
I don't profess to have answers or victory stories, because they have not come yet.
I am still learning. Still failing. Still being shown grace.

I have a renewed hope that was delivered to me in the form of a Host Family.
Ron and Amy Miller are two people I will never forget.
As my roommate David and I left from his house, and a close friends home, we had expected that nothing could be better than what we had already experienced.
I was wrong.

This elderly couple in their 70's were the most hospitable, loving family I've seen in a long time.
They had an unbridled passion for sharing their faith. As we spoke of our lives, we were encouraged through them in the Word.
They had spoken of how vital and important it was to share our faith. They equipped us quite well, giving us a walmart sack full of books, tracks, and opportunities.

I was blown away.
The level of encouragement I received that night changed my mindset on a lot of things.
God is good!

Today is a free day, and it is beautiful outside.
Peace out girl scouts.

Brutal Honesty.

I've decided to change the name of this blog from "A Buh-lawg" to "Brutal Honesty".
This used to be a joke, but then people started reading it.
So, it's now named as to what I'd like to incorporate: Brutal Honesty.

Disclaimer:
What you may read on this website, may not be how I logically think and feel about a situation.
Many times, it will be; but other times, this will be my main source of frustration release.

Example:
I hate people.

Full explanation of situation:
People who are sarcastic have tendency to offend me.


Anyways,

Day Three of Choir Tour is almost over.
It's been a good day so far!
P.F. Changs in the morning,
Hanging out in the Plaza all day, and Cheesecake Factory at night.
I. Am. Fat.

It's 8:47, and this blog post is overrr.

Bursts of Inspiration

Finally.
It has begun.

I finally started writing.
I want to be original with my music, and I can't keep playing covers all my life. Haha.

I feel free. For the first time in a while, I can breathe slow again.
I'm going to start writing about myself.
My failures, my struggles, my success.

I want my music to mean something. To do something.
Not just to repeat in your head, or to get attention.
I want to share stories with my music.
I want to affect people.
I want to make a difference.

I see this carries over into my daily life.
I want to make a difference in peoples life, not just be the "funny guy".
Or the "guy who can kinda sing well".

I want to leave an impact.
At this point, i would tap into my singing, as well as my humor, and belt my falsetto rendition of "I want to leave a Legacy"
That is played at half the graduations and weddings around the world.
But for now, I refrain.
Well, at least for all you know.

I could be singing it right now!

Jealousy

Selfish Confession:
The truth is I am still very bitter.
I am still very hurt.
I now feel useless.
Am i not good enough?
Not talented enough for such a stupid little THING?
I helped you. I helped you create.
So you think it's okay to remove me once I've served that purpose?
To still use the resources that I have? But keep me far from it.
You claim to be "friend". But your actions speak otherwise.

Forget the paragraph above. Needed to be said.

Here's how today went. We'll start from 12:00 midnight.
12:00- Still working on theory.
4:30- Done.

I slept through my class.
That's just great.
Two of them to be exact.
I set 6 alarms.
SIX.
Seriously? Why does life hate me.

Woke up to go to choir. Hardly a voice, covered in sickness and drainage.
So of course, get yelled at by Mr. Smith. I'm still not good enough.

LAFM rolls around.
Jessa, I can't thank you enough.
Followed by conversation with Dr. Wubbena about my failure.

Dinner. I successfully pissed 3 people off.
They let me know how they felt.

I've had about every inch I can take, to be frank.
It's making me sick. I'm not excited about spring break anymore.
I don't want to be around the people who call themselves "friends".

Small vent:
Proverbs 17:17- A friend loveth AT ALL TIMES...

Definition of friendship: People who encourage you. Who give you rest and comfort. Someone who cares for you, and loves you at all times.

Current Outlook: People who I am surrounded by, who constantly tear me down, make me feel useless, worthless, and more of a failure than i could imagine.

Door 1: Full Ride to JBU.
Door 2: Find 500 dollars.
Door 3: One word of encouragement.

I'd take Door 3 in a heartbeat.

Lord, I am frustrated, confused, upset, broken, hurt, and pitiful.
Help me.

This title would look like a raised eyebrow

This will be a weird post for me.
As I'm typing it, I treat it as an awkward question that catches you off-guard and makes you feel uncomfortable. I don't know why so much...but I do.

I kind of lost motivation today.
I want to work hard to accomplish things, such as homework, daily tasks that need completion, as well as recreation things that require some structure; but i see myself lost inside of it all.
I'm kind of simply living right now.
Existing is a better word.
I am not living with purpose at the moment.
My instinctive Baptist Buzzer that was placed in my frontal lobe at birth immediately rings by replacing those words with "I'm supposed to be living with purpose."
But i wonder about that as well...
I guess I am just wondering. That's pretty much it.

I find myself throughout the day in a perpetual state of thought.
I break my thought process only to be replaced by the ritualistic mundane patterns and mindless repetitions of school disciplines. Even now, I wonder why I'm typing this. Why on a mac? Why now? Why am i up at 3 when i have to get my dry cleaning at 10 in the morning? Why does the dry cleaners only stay open till 12 on saturdays? Why am i getting less sleep on a friday night then my normal school days? Why am i asking so many dumb questions?

As i ask these questions, I don't necessarily ask for an answer either. I feel purely inquisitively whimsical. I ask because I can! I glory in the fact that there might not be an answer!

I feel this reflects my spiritual life at the moment. Many questions. Not very many answers. And a state of simplicity. The fine line between contentment and apathy is drawn close. I'm not sure yet how exactly i feel.

I feel like a friend disappeared too by the way.
A few of them have latley.
My fault?
Maybe. Dumb music.

Also, I think its so dumb how my emotions work.
The most unrelated, uneventful things can break my line of confused contentment and shoot me right back into apathy and a lack of motivation.

Hi.
My name is Andrew Layden.
I got some problems.
I'm sure you do too, but mine are weird.
That's all.