Hot Dogs, Gas Stations, and Gay Prostitutes.

I'm not really sure how I should start this post off, so I'll start with a little honesty.
The last two weeks of my life have been dark.
I've lived selfishly, driven by my wants, fleshly desires, and stubbornness.
I resented my God who's grace is beyond me, and lived under the authority of myself.

A little over a month ago, I experienced a rebirth of some sorts. At least a fresh perspective on life.
It had been a few weeks, so I was due for a valley experience. I'd lived on the mountain for much too long now.
My valley experience came from laziness and lack of discipline. With a few scattered problems among people, as well as a lot of confusion, I began to drift back into the regular swing of things.
Camp started, life began to move again, and all of a sudden, time became valuable once more!
I began to slack my daily time with the Lord to a point of almost abandonment.
Anyways, enough bad. My story has a good ending.
Like all good V7 chords that must resolve.
(Yes. I will be more frequently displaying the music appreciation I acquired at JBU, or in other words: Music Puns. Lots of them.)
The past few days have been a time to evaluate where I was at the beginning of the summer, and where I am now.
Instinctively, I thought to myself "Well obviously I'm not where I was then." But I reconsidered after a little thought.
I'll come back to that. Now on to the story:

Today, I went with my friend Craig to a beat up Sinclair gas station near Eastwood.
We had a big sign that said "FREE HOTDOGS" along with a grill, some plates and condiments, and a cooler full of water.
I had never done this sort of thing before, so I was excited, to say the least.
"Finally! A chance to serve the homeless of Tulsa, and the impoverished community that Eastwood is around!"
In short, what I thought was going to be a life changing experience, ended up being a ghetto BBQ.
I was discouraged for a small amount of time, because I didn't feel "on fire" to be there.
I'll save you time, and a lot of words and cut to the point of this story quickly:
The Lord is teaching me, again (surprise, surprise!), to be faithful in the little things.
After a few weeks of darkness, and me only being back on track for a few days now, a faith explosion just isn't going to happen. I need patience, endurance, and faithfulness to be able to really let Christ work through me.
Seeing Craig witness to these broken men and women simply with a smile, and a free hotdog made me reevaluate, again.
His simple answers and plain obedience was inspiring. His answer to "Why?" was, "We just want to bless people! There is hunger on these streets, and people need food!"
I chatted with him about my frustrations, and he encouraged me with some great stuff.
In summary, here is what the Lord taught me today:
1. The Lord will not send you with fire unless you are ready to go. Be faithful with the small things, so He can trust you with the big ones!
2. Being faithful takes time. You won't get this down in a week or two, kids.
3. There is nothing good in me. God's grace fuels me to move, and His spirit speaks through me. I am nothing, but God is great.

I've been reading some scripture lately about this, and the Lord has put this on my heart a lot.
"If we are going to live as disciples of Jesus, we have to remember that all efforts of worth and excellence are difficult."
Thanks Oswald Chambers.
This is what the Lord is teaching me now. Following Jesus is difficult. It's called the narrow path for a reason.
But there is something beautiful in things that are out of our hands, because we rely on the One who can give us strength.

Back to what I was talking about before, I reconsidered where I had been, and where I am now, and I was very glad.
Like I said, I instinctively thought I had dropped from the mountain to the valley, when I realized I was just on a road.
I saw those two weeks as fire. When we go through the fire, everything comes out. We see what we're made of. All of us.
It's a time to see whats really inside of us, and if its not good, to fix it. I saw that the Lord had put me in that place for a reason. He wanted me to see that I was failing, but it was all part of His glorification. If we fail at something, it is because we have not yet put into practice what God has placed within us. See your hardships as an opportunity to grow! Be truly thankful for them!
We, as followers of Jesus are not called to fainting or defeat when we are in that valley. We are called to nothing less than overcoming. Don't make the mistake I did and focus on your defeat, and sit in the valley pouting. Rather, see the fire as a purging, healthy, beautiful flame, that will refine us, and make us into a tool that the Lord will use for His glory!
Don't mistake the valley for "bad things", but see it as what it truly is: a BLESSING from the Lord. He is trusting you with the hard things now, so He can make you into someone who can handle the miraculous. Be strong in heart.

Today, I knew ministry was done when we talked to Jonathan ( I think that was his name).
Jonathan was a gay prostitute, with a black woman who also worked with him.
They stayed around the gas station most of the day, and when we packed up and left, I said,
"Would you like a water, sir?"
"Hahh. Don't call me sir, it's bad for my business."
"Oh, I understand. We'll Jesus loves you and we do too!"
"Yeah. Thank you for not judging me."

THAT is what encouraged me the most today.
A thank you from a homosexual prostitute.

We are all struggling, striving followers. We will be for all of our lives. Do not give up hope.
Take heart, and realize you are surrounded with those who ache and are confused just like you.
We all fall short, and we all fail. It is only by the grace of God we are raised up to try again.

Fresh Perspectives

WELL.
It's time for a new update.
A very good one, to boot.

I am back home from the land of Siloam Springs, as now a sophmore of JBU.
Now on to the important stuff.
I'm just gonna hop right into this one.

Latley, and by latley, i mean over the past month, week, semester, whatever. I don't even know what I mean.

Ahem.

Latley, I have struggled. Over the past semester, relationships have been neglected, battles have been fought on my own, and ultimately a lot of baggage was consumed.
Latley, I have begun to see. Over the past month, I have begun to address these problems, and begin with means to fix them, permanently.
Latley, I have improved. Over the past week, I have begun to get my head on straight. The Lord began something in me.
Latley, I have been great. After lots of doubt, questions, disappointment, foolishness, and self-pity, I began to wise up, and see what my problem was.
I had ignored the one source of Wisdom, that has all the answers. I had fought the battle by myself, with no help from anyone else.
So. Long story short. The Lord's mercy is unfathomable.
In the past few days, all of my broken relationships have begun on a path of restoration and renewal.
I had lived in such a heavy darkness for so long crying out for the wrong things. I wanted help and deliverance from my sorrow, not from my situation.
In the past month, the way I lived my life, I doubted a lot.

Side story. A good one:

I recently went to a funeral of a man who died.
I did not know him, but many of my family and friends did.
My father was the one who did the funeral.
Every word spoken at that funeral was of a man of faith. One who lived his life in sheer humility. Only the greatest things were spoken of that man. It made me wonder.
"What would be said at my funeral?"
No, before you click out of this window, I am not going to go on the senior high graduation "Leave a Legacy" speech, I am traversing a different route.
What I realized as I listened to the testimonies and stories of love about this man, was that nothing about his life described me.
All of the great things said about him, I found did not apply to my lifestyle. I immediately felt my heart sink, and realized how far i have gone.

And here's where the "Brutal Honesty" factor comes in:
These words are hard for me to even type, because they are treated as such "Taboo"

I doubted if I truly belonged in the family of God.
I questioned if I was honestly a child of the Lord.
The way I live my life certainly doesn't seem like it.

So after some deep thought, and prayer, I plunged into the Scriptures, scared for my life.
I realized now that this was a turning point. This was the time that I needed to wake up.
I've lived a "good" life simply because it was good. I have been lacking the desire to do things for the Lord, simply because I love Him and want to know Him more. I did things because they were "right". And that was "Integrity".
Too many words.
Anyways.
So, immediately the Lord showed me in 1 Corinthians that I belong to Him.
But the danger lies when I act like I don't.
Being out of the word for so long made me act like a sinner, when I have been called to a life of redemption and holiness.

My last post was about surrender, and I think I've found it.
Too long have the chains of worldliness bound me down, and its time to realize that there is a war going on.
It's about time to grow up, and live my life in the resurrection of Christ.
It is time for me to BE Christ in my actions.

THIS.
Is the beginning.
Of a glorious adventure.

Surrender.

"There is nothing easier than getting into the right relationship with God, unless it is not God you seek, but only what He can give you! If you have only come as far as asking God for things, you have never come to the point of understanding the least bit of what surrender really means!"- Oswald Chambers.

Surrender.
This is what the Lord has convicted me about at 3:05 am on a tuesday night.
I've been shown that my life has been based on myself. My Christianity is based off of my terms.
The Lord told me and showed me that there is something in the way of my full surrender.
I don't know if I can nail that down to a pinpoint, but I do know I am not fully surrendered.
I feel that saying that I full surrender is foolish, though.
I obviously can't just say "Okay. Surrendered." and move on with life!
I don't want to make this decision based off emotion and life my life how I want by Friday.
I am scared to, even. I know that most of this is the enemy speaking, and I see that.
I would deeply appreciate your prayers as I begin to see what true surrender looks like.
The Lord is showing me something big, and I don't want to miss out on it this time.

I am sick of living my life trying to get from God.
I have not truly learned what it means to KNOW God.
I know about God, but I do not KNOW Him.
One thing I do know though, is that He is a good God.
He delivers the poor and the afflicted from those who are too strong for us.
I know that He is Sovereign, and that He will deliver me if I run to Him.
Again, please pray for me. As a brother in Christ, do not let me fall.
Keep me in check. Those of you who stumble across this, do not let it be discarded.
If you're reading this, message me, call me, text me, email me, anything.
Remind me of my surrender. I do not want a decision made in vain.


On a less important note,
Finals are almost here and over.
Equals summer.
:)

So again, please pray for me. I need it more than ever.
I have no words beyond this point.

Day 8

I am currently sitting in a small coffee shop on a mild saturday morning in Wichita, Kansas; on the upper level of a miniature Brighton store with 16 fellow choir members. Sorry Mom, I didn't buy you anything.

Choir Tour is winding down to an end, which means that more Theory and LAFM peril is waiting around the corner. I'm trying my best to enjoy the last bit of freedom I have left.
I have learned a lot over tour this year.
Lots of new, stronger friendships.

This week has been a particularly difficult week for me. Struggling with schoolwork, friendships, and my anxiety for the future has caused me to be in quite the crappy mood. The Lord has shown me that He has to teach me. I am a failure, and I will continue to be until He fixes me. In response to this, my calling is to find rest in Him.
I have failed.

The next few weeks should be interesting ones to say the least, as I continue to learn how to truly rest and trust in Christ.
I don't profess to have answers or victory stories, because they have not come yet.
I am still learning. Still failing. Still being shown grace.

I have a renewed hope that was delivered to me in the form of a Host Family.
Ron and Amy Miller are two people I will never forget.
As my roommate David and I left from his house, and a close friends home, we had expected that nothing could be better than what we had already experienced.
I was wrong.

This elderly couple in their 70's were the most hospitable, loving family I've seen in a long time.
They had an unbridled passion for sharing their faith. As we spoke of our lives, we were encouraged through them in the Word.
They had spoken of how vital and important it was to share our faith. They equipped us quite well, giving us a walmart sack full of books, tracks, and opportunities.

I was blown away.
The level of encouragement I received that night changed my mindset on a lot of things.
God is good!

Today is a free day, and it is beautiful outside.
Peace out girl scouts.

Brutal Honesty.

I've decided to change the name of this blog from "A Buh-lawg" to "Brutal Honesty".
This used to be a joke, but then people started reading it.
So, it's now named as to what I'd like to incorporate: Brutal Honesty.

Disclaimer:
What you may read on this website, may not be how I logically think and feel about a situation.
Many times, it will be; but other times, this will be my main source of frustration release.

Example:
I hate people.

Full explanation of situation:
People who are sarcastic have tendency to offend me.


Anyways,

Day Three of Choir Tour is almost over.
It's been a good day so far!
P.F. Changs in the morning,
Hanging out in the Plaza all day, and Cheesecake Factory at night.
I. Am. Fat.

It's 8:47, and this blog post is overrr.

Bursts of Inspiration

Finally.
It has begun.

I finally started writing.
I want to be original with my music, and I can't keep playing covers all my life. Haha.

I feel free. For the first time in a while, I can breathe slow again.
I'm going to start writing about myself.
My failures, my struggles, my success.

I want my music to mean something. To do something.
Not just to repeat in your head, or to get attention.
I want to share stories with my music.
I want to affect people.
I want to make a difference.

I see this carries over into my daily life.
I want to make a difference in peoples life, not just be the "funny guy".
Or the "guy who can kinda sing well".

I want to leave an impact.
At this point, i would tap into my singing, as well as my humor, and belt my falsetto rendition of "I want to leave a Legacy"
That is played at half the graduations and weddings around the world.
But for now, I refrain.
Well, at least for all you know.

I could be singing it right now!

Jealousy

Selfish Confession:
The truth is I am still very bitter.
I am still very hurt.
I now feel useless.
Am i not good enough?
Not talented enough for such a stupid little THING?
I helped you. I helped you create.
So you think it's okay to remove me once I've served that purpose?
To still use the resources that I have? But keep me far from it.
You claim to be "friend". But your actions speak otherwise.

Forget the paragraph above. Needed to be said.

Here's how today went. We'll start from 12:00 midnight.
12:00- Still working on theory.
4:30- Done.

I slept through my class.
That's just great.
Two of them to be exact.
I set 6 alarms.
SIX.
Seriously? Why does life hate me.

Woke up to go to choir. Hardly a voice, covered in sickness and drainage.
So of course, get yelled at by Mr. Smith. I'm still not good enough.

LAFM rolls around.
Jessa, I can't thank you enough.
Followed by conversation with Dr. Wubbena about my failure.

Dinner. I successfully pissed 3 people off.
They let me know how they felt.

I've had about every inch I can take, to be frank.
It's making me sick. I'm not excited about spring break anymore.
I don't want to be around the people who call themselves "friends".

Small vent:
Proverbs 17:17- A friend loveth AT ALL TIMES...

Definition of friendship: People who encourage you. Who give you rest and comfort. Someone who cares for you, and loves you at all times.

Current Outlook: People who I am surrounded by, who constantly tear me down, make me feel useless, worthless, and more of a failure than i could imagine.

Door 1: Full Ride to JBU.
Door 2: Find 500 dollars.
Door 3: One word of encouragement.

I'd take Door 3 in a heartbeat.

Lord, I am frustrated, confused, upset, broken, hurt, and pitiful.
Help me.

This title would look like a raised eyebrow

This will be a weird post for me.
As I'm typing it, I treat it as an awkward question that catches you off-guard and makes you feel uncomfortable. I don't know why so much...but I do.

I kind of lost motivation today.
I want to work hard to accomplish things, such as homework, daily tasks that need completion, as well as recreation things that require some structure; but i see myself lost inside of it all.
I'm kind of simply living right now.
Existing is a better word.
I am not living with purpose at the moment.
My instinctive Baptist Buzzer that was placed in my frontal lobe at birth immediately rings by replacing those words with "I'm supposed to be living with purpose."
But i wonder about that as well...
I guess I am just wondering. That's pretty much it.

I find myself throughout the day in a perpetual state of thought.
I break my thought process only to be replaced by the ritualistic mundane patterns and mindless repetitions of school disciplines. Even now, I wonder why I'm typing this. Why on a mac? Why now? Why am i up at 3 when i have to get my dry cleaning at 10 in the morning? Why does the dry cleaners only stay open till 12 on saturdays? Why am i getting less sleep on a friday night then my normal school days? Why am i asking so many dumb questions?

As i ask these questions, I don't necessarily ask for an answer either. I feel purely inquisitively whimsical. I ask because I can! I glory in the fact that there might not be an answer!

I feel this reflects my spiritual life at the moment. Many questions. Not very many answers. And a state of simplicity. The fine line between contentment and apathy is drawn close. I'm not sure yet how exactly i feel.

I feel like a friend disappeared too by the way.
A few of them have latley.
My fault?
Maybe. Dumb music.

Also, I think its so dumb how my emotions work.
The most unrelated, uneventful things can break my line of confused contentment and shoot me right back into apathy and a lack of motivation.

Hi.
My name is Andrew Layden.
I got some problems.
I'm sure you do too, but mine are weird.
That's all.

Help.

Stress can be a good thing, in this case it's not.
Too much stress can lead to illness. Right now, it is displaying itself as a migraine.
To relieve stress, and confront a problem, the next few words will be very frank, open, and will attempt at expressing my problem in the most honest way possible.

Discipline.
This 10 letter word is what may send me back home.
My lack of discipline is what causes me to fail.
Fail, not once, or twice, but constantly.
It's been a problem ever since i can remember.
My foolishness and lack of focus has jeopardized my ability to remain at John Brown University.
If i can't make the grades, i go home. Simple as that.
As of right now, that is a very real possibility.

I miss class, I half heartedly do homework, I play and sleep instead of working...
My priorities are not in line.
These are a few characteristics of what my life has looked like the past few weeks.
When you're failing two Wubbena classes, life seems to wake you up.

I've taken plenty of time over the weekend and during the past days to beat myself up over it. I've done quite a good job too, I must say.

I feel sick.
Sick of myself, sick of the way I act, sick of the way i am.
Sick of Andrew Layden.
Don't waste any time commenting "We love you!" or "You're a great person"
I'm just being frank. I'm not playing the pity card.
I know the way i feel isn't right.
That's why im saying it.
To fix it.

I don't expect to get 500 pats on the back saying its okay.
I don't deserve it. I put myself in this hole, now its time to find my way out.
I don't know if ill be at JBU this time next year. I'd like to hope so, but I just don't know.
I don't feel much of anything right now.
Simple emptiness.

Where have i gone?
What have i become?
Why has my attitude been of reluctance towards the Father?
Why do i hate posting everything i actually feel?
Why do i care that people see exactly what i try to hide?

I don't know.
If by chance you are reading this, please pray.
It is the only thing i can ask for.
I need prayer.
I need joy.
I need friendship.
I need life.
I need peace.
I need my God.

Hidden Beauty

It is 2:02 am. I have a LAFM test in 12 hours.
No, i have not begun studying.
Yes, tomorrow I will be indeed cranky!

I should have been in bed 3 hours ago, but life has its way of making me stay up late.
Oh wait, thats theory.

Well, i shaved my chin.
All that is left are my chops and stache.
Happy Mustache-Mutton Chop March, everyone!
I do feel as though it makes me feel more masculine.
I need all the help i can get in that category.

On to the most important thing:
I saw Hedwig.

As I walked toward the cathedral at 11 in the cold dark night by myself, I heard a screech. At first, I assumed a squealing car heading down 412 to Bell. Most likely Zack Jones.
The sound echoed again, and I realized it was something different. An odd sound indeed. As I began to grumble over what it may be, the most beautiful snowy white owl flies from behind the Cathedral as it soars past the Art building over the Quad.

Wow.
What a sight.

I immediately was struck with a thought. It's so easy to miss what's important in life when we are surrounded by things that distract us. Had i not paused to discover what the awkward screech was, I would have never seen the beauty.
(PS- I have never seen an owl in my life before.)
I realized that I was looking for it. Even though I didn't know what, I knew something was there.
As it soared through the night air, i saw the contrast of its glowing white figure painted against the black canvas of night.
It stuck out. It was like a beacon was lit, and was impossible to miss. Had i taken one step further, I would have missed it.

It's so easy to keep going from one thing to the next, locked on from task to task with tunnel vision; that sometimes we miss the obvious, in its beautiful clarity, to continue on with our day.
Stop.
Step back.
See what the Lord is doing.

Who knows?
Maybe you'll see an owl too.
:)

(I apologize for the way i ended that post. It was a one liner baptist cliche, and i blame my father.)

Brothers on a hotel bed.

I am currently typing this post from the Best Western in Arkadelphia, Arkansas.
First day of NATS is over.
I made it to the semi-finals! We'll see tomorrow how i do.

This past week has been a very unique week.
With the death of a friend, the joy of traveling with friends, and the business of schoolwork and extra curricular activities, i really haven't had time to sit down and process life. I've lived this week for myself, and on my own terms; a mistake that i realized yesterday. I have been focused on making it through the week alive, instead of rejoicing in my trials, and seeing the Lord's majesty through it.
I don't think I've ever been so disappointed that I've forgotten my Bible at JBU. Thank goodness for the Gideons.

On my left, i hear the strange sounds of an online flash game that Brandon Bolin is playing, as the air conditioner makes furious noises to my right. I am reminded of the Deathcab song "Brothers on a Hotel Bed" for some reason. Life is good right now. It may not seem perfect, but it certainly isn't bad. There are so many thing to be grateful for, and to look forward to. I am remembering this weekend how much I must rely on my God. And how much, even in my failures, he blesses me regardless. I am surrounded by 9 people this weekend whom i truly love. They are great people. They are music nerds. Just like me. :)

Referencing an earlier statement, i have seen how fragile life is this week.
For those of you who knew Robert Bell, I am sure that you know exactly what I am talking about.
He was a great guy. My very first co-counselor. Through all of my nervous prayers and necessities to fit in and be a good counselor, the Lord blessed me with Rob. We, and our tribe of Apache's ventured forth unto the fields of Camp Loughridge.
He was such a great guy. I miss him. His testimonies given were so inspiring. The Lord kept him alive through two separate battles with cancer. At the young age of 20, the Lord took him home peacefully in his sleep.

What am i living for?

Solitude and Silence.

It is 1:38 am.
I began thinking at 1:13.

Tonight, my thoughts changed.
For close to two months now, I've had one ideal. One goal. One thought.
It became my passion. My driving motivation. My "Obsession" if you will.
Two week passed, and I saw the foolishness in my focus.
Ironically, now everything I have hoped for and dreamed of in the past two years has now come to an abrupt halt.
Questions have risen. Motives have been questioned. Focus has been realigned; as well as re-distracted.
I put all my hope in one person. I drew all my strength from them, the person who got me through my day.
I am selfish. I am wrong. I am a sinner. I am a failure. I am misguided. I am distracted. I am fallen.
This is what I am faced with, but if that was not convicting enough, i then realized:
I am forgiven.
I am redeemed.
I am blessed.
I am secure.
I am going to be okay.

Who am i?
How DARE i even begin to think I have the right to think and feel the way I do.
I should be dead. Burning in the depths of hell, and separated from God.
But i am not. I am safe in His arms. I am secure in the palm of His hand.

Who am i?
I am not my own.
I am Christ's.
Why do i live to myself?
Why do my loyalties lie to the eyes of men?
Why do I think i deserve anything that I desire?

I don't.

This past week in Passion group, we've started a book called "The Spirit of the Disciplines" by Dallas Willard. Last week and this week's disciplines were Solitude and Silence. I have tried to practice it, and each time has been convicting and eye opening.
I stared at a wall in my common room for 10 minutes, in utter disgust with myself.
It was then, when I took my slightly damp laundry out of the old drier that I saw it.
When i folded my shirts, in the silence of the basement, I recognized it.

My eyes are not set on the Lord.

Throughout the day, I try to remain in His presence. To dwell and rest in Christ. It is so easy to fail. It is too simple to be down on yourself. To hate the way you look. To hate the way you act. To hate the way you speak, the way you conduct life. To hate how you behave in front of others. To hate yourself.
So why?
Why do i continue? It's too easy, and it distracts me. Why do I do it?
Does it mean i should change? Do i need to find myself?
I could easily answer with what I've been taught my whole life "No. You find Christ, and then you find yourself."
So if i know, why do i continue in my failure?
I don't.
I don't feel like I do either.
Of course i stumble. We all do.
Why do i feel so heartbroken?
So terribly alone, and left to myself?
I feel as though my friends are gone.
They aren't. They are there. Why can't i see it?

Many questions. I know every answer.
Each question has a painful, uncomfortable, unpleasant answer.
Why am i pretending like i do not know?
Why can't i move on with life?

Why is this one small situation blocking me from experiencing life?

Friends.

This past week has been very awkward.
I would venture to say terrible, even.
I don't enjoy what is happening,
But i am thankful for the friends who support me during my failures.
These people don't judge me for what I do, but who I am in Christ.
I am beyond grateful. I honestly don't know how mentally sane i would be without you peoples.
So, Sadie Utter, Liz Phillips, Zack and Ethan Jones, Daniel Faulkner, Drew Duffy, and Lauren Kirkpatrick, this post is for you.
You seven have kept me hanging on. Thank you for your encouragement. So much. Even when it's not intentional. Thank you.

Optimism.

This has been a good weekend.

Union High Schools Rep Theatre has once again thoroughly impressed me.
The sole reason I wished I was at Union.
Oh wait. No it's not.
I love Mingo plays. (In case the Maddog is reading this...)
But really. Way more fun at Mingo.

Valentines day will be nice.
That's all i have to say on that subject.

I'm still on the fence about my internship this summer.
Thursday they called me and offered me the job.
Its such a good opportunity...
I have to let them know by Monday.
I think I'm going to do it!! Ahh!
Still need to pray some more about it...

Well...
Really the only person who would comment on my blog anymore is Liz..
So thanks Liz Phillips! You're a great person. :)

Note: You are not obligated to comment now that I've used your name, Liz.
:)

Scrambled Thoughts.

At this point, im blogging for my own personal relief, because it seems that no one reads blogs anymore. But here it goes.

So far, this week has been interesting.
Last saturday put a lot of things in perspective for me. Priorities were reevaluated, thoughts and feelings were expressed in new ways, and ultimately a new perspective on things arose. I spent the week here at school in a mellow mood, so to speak. Not so much to prove anything, but rather i found myself just living for the next thing. I am now realizing how my life has strayed from purpose. There is a long term goal, but the daily routine is just that- a mindless routine. I would label this past week with a familiar Christianese phrase by saying "I'm struggling". I find myself anxious, lonely, ignored, rejected, discouraged, stressed, and ultimately a failure, educationally and spiritually. Finding rest in Christ has become a challenge. I am so overloaded by schoolwork, trying to maintain friendships, as well as taking care of other personal matters, that i have forgotten to live my life in the joy of Christ. I find it easy to mope, as i trudge from one class to the next in the bitter cold and snow; trying to live from point A to point B and continue until i am okay. I need joy.
This week has shown me the beginning of a long road of challenges for this next semester. It will most likely be the hardest thing i have ever faced in my life.

I am not finishing this blog post with a 180 turn around story about how the Lord blew my mind and showed me something to sustain me emotionally and spiritually, as well as physically, with the little sleep i get now a days thanks to Theory...
I'm not finishing the post like this, because it just hasn't happened yet. I have faith the Lord will provide, but He hasn't yet; for whatever reason in His Sovereignty, I feel i will be challenged with people and classes over the next 4 or 5 months.
So that's what is happening, for anyone who stumbles across this. Life is hard, and the Lord is good. Although I struggle now, i recognize the Lord is Holy, and ultimately in control, even when I forget so often.

That's really all i got. I recommend blogging when you're distressed. Writing will show you how you feel, as well as show you the problems you may not be able to see at the moment. It's helped me so far...

A good reminder

There are so many things to be grateful for!
Why does our selfishness as humans stand in the way?
We are fallen, broken, sinful, but redeemed through Christ.
Let us remember our Lord! Don't go throughout your day without consciously recognizing the work of the Lord in your life!
This morning in chapel, Rod Reed spoke on the danger of Hurrying.
Many times we rush through our lives, and don't take time to relax, much less rest.
But that's not what the Lord has called us to do! He tells us to rest in Him!
So this week, if you are reading this, take a minute of your schedule to stop, realize the Sovereignty of our Lord, and rest in His grace.

Now then...
The Post.

This weekend has been a great one. Went to New Life Ranch for the Choir Retreat! It was great fun, and we got a lot of great music accomplished. I entered the weekend knowing that we were going to have fun, and work hard. My thoughts were scattered, and many things in my life were confusing me at that moment. The saturday night we had a worship time around a campfire. We played games, made shmores, followed by a time of worship led by two of the men in the choir. Many were experiencing worship and enjoying the presence of the Lord, but a few were not engaged. One, being me.
I didn't know why exactly i felt so distant from the Worship, but after an hour or so of questioning, confusion, and dialogue with friends, i realized what was happening:
Never in my life have i struggled. Truly STRUGGLED, to where i needed the Lord to be my sustainer. I have always been under the umbrella of my parents faith. I realized that the Lord had begun to test me. Something seemed wrong with me, and although constant prayer to fix what was wrong, the Lord did not move. I realized after a short amount of time, that the test itself was to wait on the Lord. The story of Job came to my mind, how the Lord tested Him, and Job turned to worship. Although I felt lost and confused, i had to learn to worship and trust the Lord, even when I don't understand what is going on. The Lord showed me blind faith.
I am excited to see what the Lord has for me in the following semester. It will no doubt be the hardest I have ever been academically challenged in my life; but so far so good!

Now for less important stuff:

PUP N' SUDS FIRST GAME TONIGHT.
Intramural basketball for the win.
I made an agreement to our team if we win the B League Championships, I will cornrow my hair (A scary possibility...)

On another note of my physical death,
I am now a part of the JBU Ultimate team.
We play people like Arkansas, OU, OSU, KU, etc.
Hmm...
Time to run my butt off!

As i conclude this post, i hope someone reads this...
I'd like to quote a dear friend of mine, who frequently ends conversation with the phrase:
"Rest in Christ"
A great reminder in the busy lives we live.
So, as my friend said,
Rest in Christ!

Present your request with thanksgiving and the peace that passes all understanding will guard your heart in CHRIST JESUS!
Amen!

Re-Evaluation

Oh wow.
DISCLAIMER:
For those of you who are not patient, or cannot put up with ramblings, please exit now.
This post is going to be for my own sanity.
Over the past few weeks, I've experienced a lot to drag me down, and other things to make me think. To make me question.
Re evaluate, even.

So here I am. I will now attempt to outline everything swirling around in my head (its a lot) and try to drag a point out of it by the end. Things i've experienced in the past few weeks will be explained in three main sections:
1. Greek Orthodox Church
2. Belief
3. Hearing the Voice of God

Let's begin.
Again, many things i will type are questions i have asked, or am still asking.
DIALOGUE!
It'll help us all.

Uno.
This weekend i went to my cousins wedding! Hooray! They recently converted to the Greek Orthodox church. This was a VERY unique ceremony. It was amazing to see firsthand this religion that i knew little to nothing about. In a nutshell, Greek Orthodox is a very ritualistic, symbolic, almost catholic faith; with a focus primarily on Jesus Christ, as our Savior, and the Holy Trinity. There are a few things a little off, like "Our glorious Lady" (Mary having divinity.) Overall, i found most everything said in the Liturgy pretty right on. Theologically, its pretty much solid to what we as protestants would believe.

Here's how the ceremony worked!
LOTS of chanting (Over an hours worth. While standing. FML.) in almost a half-sing.
LOTS of icons. ( Paintings and pictures of the saints and Christ, etc.)
LOTS of tradition. (Half the marriage was at the back, the middle, then the final part was in the front.)
LOTS of symbolism. (Everything was done three times representing the Trinity.)
Weird stuff like crowns and incense and chants were done. Very cool, actually.
I got to speak with some of the men from the Greek Orthodox church, and learned a thing or two.

Here is my final assumption, and the point:
I noticed that in my learning of the Orthodox church, it is VERY theological. All knowledge. All Liturgy, Creeds, Symbols and Icons. Sadly, i saw nothing about relationship, or reaching out to the lost. It was almost a church for elite christians. People who already have it together and are looking to know everything.
In this i saw danger. There is so much faith, but the fruit is lacking.
James 2:20 says that faith without works is DEAD!
Without works, your faith is useless, void, inactive, ineffective, and worthless.
This isn't saying that works is what matters, because faith is just as important, but Scripture has shown us that our faith should bear fruit! Brining about good works! In the words of my wise college minister, Jeff Easley, "If you remember, The bible talks about what Christians DID, not what they believed in" Although we do know what they believed in, Scripture points to the fruit of their labor. And Jeff, if i misquoted you and made you sound like a heretic, i am sorry.

I will come back to that. On to point number 2.
Belief.
What if everything you knew was a lie? Everything you believed in, you held to, you stood for, it was all gone. Proven wrong! You were enlightened to truth. If you take time to really honestly think about that, it is a scary thought. I have been thinking about this idea for a while now, and came to a conclusion. Sometimes, (although belief is important) it is better for us as Christians to not worry about what we say we believe, but do what we believe. We should be acting, not just saying. I can already feel my words being shot 100 different directions, but im going to try to keep this focused...
Basically, I've realized that my beliefs have overshadowed my actions. My words are stronger than my hands.

Coming back to that too. Finally, point 3.
This is the scary future part.
This past week, the subject of "Hearing the Voice of God" has been brought up quite a few times. I have listened to my college friends dialogue about the importance, and credibility of hearing the voice of God. How can you honestly, truly know what the Lord's voice sounds like? What can you do to KNOW? So that when the Lord does speak, you hear Him, respond, and glorify Him as He grows you and speaks to you continuously. This has brought up hundreds of questions for me. And caused me to re examine myself. This morning at church, we went to First Baptist Ft. Smith. As excited as i was to be there, i quickly began to judge and think "Churches like these have 'church goers'. People who DO church, because its tradition." The Lord punched me in the face with those words, and showed my selfishness and stupidity. Right as i felt like a complete idiot, the title of the sermon appears on the screen. "Hearing the Voice of God Pt. 1"
Okay. What are you up to Lord?
And this is still the question I am asking!
Something is waiting around the corner. I'm anxious, scared, and excited. The Lord is about to do something big. Pray for me that I wont miss it.

So. Putting it all together.
As i said in all points, this past week has made me realize one thing:
I cannot back up my talk.
I have re evaluated what it is to live in Christ this week.
He has shown me the transition from Theology to Fruitfulness.
The danger of big headed-ness is an easy one to succumb to.
The Lord is doing some new things in my life. This semester is going to be very different. Very busy, and very strict with time. Discipline is what i need this semester. Please pray for me.
Along with schoolwork, the Lord is starting to show me many new things, like this, and others. I'm embarking on a journey of re-discovery. It is going to be an exciting one too.

Thanks for reading this if you had an hour to make it through all of my ramblings.
Leave a comment! Dialogue! Leave a question that you have from this, or that the Lord gave you! I'd love to hear. Really i would! This is the time to ask, to question, and to trust what the Lord is doing in your life. I'm starting. You should to. So again, i close with comment! Please share with me if the Lord has given you something, or even if something came to mind!
Sharing is caring.
:D